Eight Months

If I had it my way, and I mean absolutely my way, a typical "on-day" would look something like this: I would be playing and taking with my baby boy, weight training, cooking delicious food and testing new recipes in my kitchen (both low carb and succulent carb-laden foods alike), taking at least ONE NAP (or an equivalent hour of Xena or vegging out on the couch being comfy) a day, repeat. My nutrition would be perfect every day, too. And I'd have some time to spend with loved ones and friends.

Alas, we regular folks don't always get things our way. My unsatisfying, 40-hours-a-week-doing-things-I-don't-really-care-about way of living, the current bad weather, and my little guy having a stomach flu.. these all get in the way. I'm still figuring out how to be an adult in this crazy world, and most of the time I still feel like an adolescent - just with money, my own apartment, and a child. WHAT. To this day, I'm still not accustomed.

Amidst all the craziness, I set out on an 8-month goal this year to get into fitness competition shape. Bold huh, considering I've never been anywhere near decent shape in my life. What I mean by this is, I was not physically fit, I was not active, and I sure as hell did not know how to eat right or even plan accordingly. My mental and spiritual state was also on a major downhill spiral. While I had help and advice along the way, it was ultimately up to me to change the course of things for myself.

8 months seems short and long all at the same time. If you are familiar at all with competition prep, most competitors (male & female alike) set out on 10-12 week prep phases. But that is because most competitors-to-be are already have a sturdy physical foundation - they're at a point where they can only improve their physique further and tweak things a bit in those 10-12 weeks.

As for me, I have 20+ years of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual damage that I've been attempting to reverse for a very long time now. That's why it would seem that 8 months is too short a time for me to make any sort of transformation. However, I'm doing it. It may be slow, but I'm doing it. Things are slowly on the mend. I'm working on me everyday - something I was always afraid to do, lest I be called selfish by others. But one's mental aspect is probably one of the most influential and equally affected things that contribute to any major transformation. To be able to work hard physically, I need to be on a superior level of mentality: the kind that can destroy negative setbacks easier than it can collect and dwell on them. I'm on that path to mending, and I don't intend on ever going back. Every day is a conscious and heavy step forward out of that depressing abyss. Yet with every step, it becomes lighter and lighter.

I give myself 8 months to step on that stage. I NEED that time. There are always setbacks in life that none of us can control. I need to be able to accomplish things at a realistic pace without feeling the rush and fearing the looming deadline. Because honestly, I hate rushing.

Let's say I don't (because of money), I will still train and prepare as if I was going to step on that stage. With that said, I have that registration form ready and signed. I have to formulate a budget plan to see if I can afford all of the following:

- Registration fees
- Photo & video fees for comp day
- Custom comp suit
- 2 pairs of clear 5" heels (one is for practicing in)
- Professional tan
- Wax, mani & pedi (none of which I've ever DONE Before - the tan included)
- Professional hair & makeup on the day of.
- Miscellaneous competition items (like Bikini Bite)

Why would I do this if it's expensive? It's not about attention, or money, really. Especially not for someone like me. I would have never thought to do anything like this many, many years ago. In fact, I'm afraid! I'm such a timid person around strangers. I don't think I've ever felt comfortable in a bathing suit either. You think I'll like it when a hundred or so strangers are all staring at my body - judging symmetry, femininity, tone, muscularity - and covered in only the most necessary areas, when I already have a problem with the local gawkers and geezers eating me up with their eyes? No, this is not for attention. I will inevitably receive it, though, for good or bad. This is probably going to be one of the most terrifying and unlikely things I ever do.

BUT! To step on that stage would mean I made it. It would mean I accomplished something on a level I never thought I could reach before. Not everyone, not even the hottest person in the world, could just simply step on that stage and win. It takes more than good looks and blessed genes to compete. All the hard work, dedication, and personality changes resulting in the journey, would all be displayed there on the stage. All those people who partake in the competition - whether novice or seasoned - have put in hours and hours of hard work and dedication that not all people can possibly WANT to do. None of those people were born that way - what, with perfect muscle tone and strength and poise. No, you need to work to achieve that.

So, whether I can actually afford to compete this year or not, I vow to make every day count, as if I was going to compete. But I have it set in my mind that I'm going to compete anyway.

I'm off to work some more (boo), and formulate today's HIIT & training plan.