Unedited: My 30dayPUSH Answers

I'm publishing 2 posts to make up for the lack of posts in the previous week or so.

Here is the second one, it is simply my response to one set of CIARALE.com's questions she asks of the #FITFAM members for this month's 30dayPUSH. She asks them to get to know each member better, and encourage those participating in the challenge to delve deeper into themselves, for the "push" is really beyond mere physical change.

Ciara asks us: What do you love about how you were created (include mental, spiritual, and physical)?

One Response to WEEK ONE END | daySEVEN | 3DP VII

1.       Jenina Lanzi | March 7, 2013 at 7:53 PM | Reply

What do I love about how I was created?

This would have been really difficult to answer a year ago, since then I’ve gone through immense changes and forced myself to escape and eradicate much negativity out of my life. I used to be afraid to like myself, fearing others would think me vain or selfish. Now, I don’t keep those bad people in my life anymore, so here goes my answer:

Mentally- I love that I am smart. My intelligence has always been a great pride of mine. But more importantly, I have an unquenchable thirst for learning, for knowledge of all facets, ranging infinite spectrums. I am 23 and am considered an old soul. I refuse to be complacent and always desire to grow in every way possible. I also love that I have multiple skills and talents, ranging from singing, to cooking, to making art and writing and whatever else i may desire to learn in the future… Even though it keeps me from being happy in my boring, unfulfilling jobs. Lol

Spiritually- I seek love always, in all forms. From things I do, to expressing it to all those whom i love. the fact that I’m resilient despite such a turbulent, difficult life, surrounded by dangerous, destructive and unhealthy people for 20 years. I have somehow been able to remove myself completely from those negative influences and not only seek out a path for self healing and improvement, but i have managed to maintain my humanity, my regard, and my love for others.

Physically- i used to hate everything about my body. Was told all my life what was wrong with me, why I’m not attractive or capable of being womanly or sexy. Even my own family told me i was ugly. An ex said my body was hideous and that i am not feminine. But now, i can say I love my strong legs. I love that, while it needs some work, i have some good booty mass i love that I’m capable of growing muscle well. I used to wanna be tall and blonde only because that’s what i was once told i should be. But now i love my short, mixed-race tan skin, curvy (?), non-stick thin self. And most importantly, i live that my body created my greatest pride and joy.. My handsome 4 year old son.

Even off track, fitness follows.

I apologize for the lack of updates. It seems every week, I have to find new ways to fight the resistance life throws at me. It keeps making it harder to harder to push against the "give up" current, but I'm not. I'm treading on. Don't worry, I haven't given up on fitness. I don't think I ever will, come to think of it. Now that I've found it, and am hooked, I'm not giving it up for any dumb reason. And any "reason" there might be to give up a healthy lifestyle is just plain dumb no matter what.

Have I Been Working Out? Yes, Just Not As Much..

While I haven't been to the gym since Thursday, I got a great HIIT and leg session in that day, and did some jiu-jitsu training with a really good buddy & trained abs with him on Saturday as well. Then, when he left, I worked on my shoulders. On that particular Thursday, I hit a new PR, and dabbled with the assisted pullup machine: preparing for the upper body strength I know I'll soon have, with proper progression and diligence.

Oh wait, I remember now.. that article I mentioned? The one I wrote that just mysteriously disappeared? Yeah, I talked about the self-defense stuff, the throws, and the abs, and hitting a new PR: 95 lbs on free barbell squats. 3x8. After a HIIT session. [SN: I'm still miffed - I worked HARD on that post!]

[ANOTHER SN: You know what? This makes me think - and is gonna make me sound like a jerk - but... after work, screw the people at home for like, 1 hour. They can wait. I'm gonna drive straight to the gym after work and squat. I need to gain more strength, and I need the growth.. I've been slacking.]

But as I was saying.. fitness is with me 24/7, whether I want it to be or not. It's always on my mind. I'm not all about aesthetics though (although I really like working on them). I read DangerouslyHardcore.com regularly. I keep learning more and more, re-reading over and over again, until I understand. I cannot ever be content just because something is working for me, or for someone else, because my nature needs me to know just why things are happening the way they are.



There are so many articles, fitness gurus, online trainers, tips, tricks, advice colums, forums, etc. out there that it's quite difficult to figure out where to start. I've been an enthusiast for over a year now, and I've now honed down my personal principles, and I've become more specific in my goals. I've also become adhesed to the works of a few fitness professionals I've come to admire over the months. Here are just a few of those names:

Kiefer

I re-read Kiefer's material regularly, and read all of his most recent articles regarding the nutrient timing and hormonal responses that are such core elements of his books The Carb Nite Solution and Carb Back-Loading. It's thoroughly working for me, even though some days I am half-assing it. And by half-assing, I mean that I'll go ultra-low carb for the majority of the day, then go home, and right before bed I'll eat out of that box of Mariano's all-butter macadamia & white chocolate cookie that sits atop my fridge. Or go to a party and have a tray of brownies all screaming at me to eat one of them. (Yes, brownies scream at me. Inside my head. Either it's my kryptonite, or I've completely lost it.)

He has a YouTube Channel (@DHKiefer), which I listen to regularly as well. To hear the explanations from him directly through those videos has definitely been helping me learn everything I can, that he has to offer so far. I respect the fact that he's willing to put this stuff out there, even though a lot of people might doubt him. Well, so far, what he has brought to the table has delivered, and I can say that with certainty because I have been practicing his dietary protocols myself, in spite of doubt and previous indoctrination. So I'm inclined to believe him more and more, with every video and every article, especially since he backs everything with solid proof and heavy research - research that I, myself, and slowly delving into.

Hell, I also love reading all of the articles his staff posts oh DH. I just can't get enough. Every article is like candy for nerdy people. Eep.


Julia Ladewski

  I've also started reading up on Julia Ladewski's strength conditioning model. It's just a bit of a bonus that she's a female powerlifter and strength coach, as well as a fellow mommy. With a rocking set of abs. And get a hold of this - she practices Carb Back-Loading too (read her personal experience here)! But really, she too is incredibly smart and someone I've started to take pointers from - and because of it, I'm slowly incorporating a lot of strength-developing sets in my routine, further encouraging me to lift heavier and heavier. Thus, the 95-pound squat.

Bret Contreras

And how can I not mention Bret Contreras? He was the first fitness professional whose articles I started reading religiously. He's known as The Glute Guy. Like Kiefer, he was discontent with something, and researched thousands of articles, journals, and executed many tests and research models to come up with definitive conclusions for maximum results. In this case, instead of diet, Bret was hell-bent on the glutes. People's butts. How to make them strong, how to make them grow, how to shape them, etc. Butts galore. Here you can find one of his most popular articles expounding on the training of the glutes.



I discovered him trying to search for the best way to train the glutes. My glutes are not small or weak or gangly, but I really would like to improve their shape and size. I always have - why not, right? While I love the squat, I noticed it was developing my quads much more than anything. Barbell lunges did the same, too. While not a bad side effect at all (the quads just make my already big legs pop - in a fit way) I didn't like how everyone was saying it is the most effective exercise for the glutes. No, no, no.. otherwise the junk in the trunk would be popping as well.

And if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know now that training glutes and hips (by the exercises he has tested and recommended) makes for more explosive sprint, squat, and lower body performance. I wouldn't know just how significant it is to strengthen ones' hips. And thanks to him, I've found one of my favorite exercises, the barbell hip thrust. Highly effective glute isolation. When I read his recommendation for this exercise, again at first I was skeptical. I decided to experiment with it for a few weeks (sound familiar?). And now, I am cranking out 50-lb hip thrusts and noticing much more firmess, strength, and definition in my glutes. TRIED AND TESTED.


Conclusion

What I love about these people is that there is no room for bullshit. Plain and simple. One of the main reasons I hate society today is that, in an era brimming with free knowledge, people are still very willing to swallow garbage - and spit it out, as well. I don't like when people try to tell me to accept something [anything] as a fact before either 1) being certain that they believe it as well, or  2) have tried and tested it themselves, or found reputable ways to prove or argue that fact. I just named three people who I find to be beacons of hope in this day and age - in the fitness world. But while their main focuses are on fitness, their character gives me much to believe in. It tells me I don't have to listen to garbage. And best of all, it lets me know that if they can do it, then so can I. There are more out there - more likeminded people who try to spread the truth more than living complacently and letting false crap swim in their heads - so we're not alone.

And in the end, even though life keeps trying to make me give up on getting fit, I'm not going to listen. Hell, I might even go spread it - I'm already beginning to "infect" people around me. :-)

GRR!!!

So, I just spent an hour and a half writing my next article for this blog,

and it took just two seconds for the damn computer to erase all of it.

Please forgive the lack of updates right now. I just expended all my mental energy on writing that article, only to have it disappear. My brain and fingers are not too happy right now. UGH!!

My Experiences With Carb Back-Loading!

I'd just like to establish a disclaimer than I am in no way being paid to write any of these posts (not yet, at least), and these are solely my personal anecdotes not endorsed in any way by anyone. What you're about to read, are my honest experiences and opinions.

I remember writing in a previous post that I would experiment for one month with Carb Backloading and all the specific guidelines Kiefer has outlined for simultaneous maximum fat loss and strength gains. Well, I'm on month two and I can honestly say I'm loving every moment of it:

Left: Me in March 2012. Right: Me today. (Sorry it had be in the stupid bathroom.)

During all of January (prior to discovering Kiefer's principles), I did a month-long of what one might call a traditional bodybuilder's diet - eating 6-7 meals a day with perfectly fractioned macronutrients in every meal. Lean meats, whole grains, low-fat everythang (shit got expensive, I swear). That meant a few days of meal preparation per week. That also meant 2-3 hours of cooking and washing dishes for every day that I did meal prep. When you work 40 hours a week, go to the gym, take care of your child[ren for those who have more than I do], the last thing you want to do is spend hours cooking and portioning out meals on tupperwares and cleaning the mess afterward. There was literally no time for rest until bedtime.. and usually bedtime got pushed back really late, almost midnight - resulting in 5 hours of sleep.

Five hours of sleep a day is barely enough, for anyone with such a schedule, to funtion normally or in any sane manner. It was also not enough for recovery time from high-volume resistance/strength training 5 times a day.

I do remember complaining about feeling burned out often within the first few weeks of beginning my new training & nutrition lifestyle. I was afraid I was not going to make it. I thought about giving up often, for the sheer fact that I was consuming too much food and feeling like I was eating so much more than my family was. Not that anyone starved.. no, no one starves when I take care of them. But the fact of the matter was, I was slowly killing myself.

Enter carb backloading..

I stumbled upon (and in retrospect, what a major blessing it was that I stumbled) carb backloading while trying to research ketogenic diets. I knew that cutting carbs out of your diet was a surefire way to lose body fat; however, I didn't just wanna jump into it without knowing what the heck I was doing.
At first I looked up -keto- on reddit, as my really good friend (and fellow fitness enthusiast) suggested I do. Somehow, I clicked on one thing, then another, then ended up on Google, and clicked and read a few more things, then -BOOM- I found this. I began reading about Kiefer and his Carb Nite Solution, followed by Carb Back-Loading.

I was extremely skeptical at first. Especially since Kiefer seriously advocates skipping breakfast altogether [CNS/CBL], refraining from carbs during the day, and worst of all - [for CBL] eating trashy, high-glycemic foods at NIGHT, NEAR BEDTIME! GASP! Oh, the abomination! I'm POSITIVE he got some backlash for suggesting such outrageous things!

Yet, for some crazy ass reason, this intrigued me further! I got curious!

I looked up CBL and CNS on external websites, just to see if anyone had seriously negative experiences with these "diets." I wanted to find something wrong with it, to debunk the strange claims. It made me think, "have I been going about it all wrong this whole time?"

And before anyone rips my head off, I would just like to say that no, I am not trashing on the traditional contest/bodybuilding diet (strictly eating clean, 6-7x/day, 1 cheat meal/week) whatsoever. I got results in that first month of doing it, I really did! I cut out all junk. I learned portion control. I only had one or two days where I either had one beer and some starchy, fatty party food.. and there was a true occasion for such things (it was at a wedding, perfectly acceptable). I ate tons of veggies, oats, sweet potatoes, brown rice, lean chicken breast and fish and olive oil and nuts. It was a good, clean diet, and I was never hungry because I ate every 2 to 3 hours.

And believe me, if it hadn't taken up 8-10 hours out of each week just to PREP food for ONE week, I would have kept doing it. I loved my food, and I made it tasty and satisfying for me. If it didn't cost so much money out of our food budget just to feed ME, I would have kept doing it. If I didn't have a time-consuming job, If I didn't lose sleep and free time with my family over meal prep and divvying up every gram of every carb/protein/fat perfectly for every meal, If I didn't burn out every 2 days from lack of rest, I would have kept eating clean 6-7 times a day.

And I don't mean any of that with any sarcasm whatsoever. If my life revolved around training and diet everyday, I would have seen no reason to look to other methods of proper nutrition and fat loss. I thought I was stuck, though. And I guess that really wasn't working out for me after all.

The reason I'm glad I found Carb Backloading is because everything about it perfectly fits MY schedule. And the most important thing about any training & nutrition plan - whether it is a clean eating protocol, ketogenic, intermittent fasting, Paleo, whatever - is that it should be tailored to YOU.
It needs to fit YOUR life. Of course, if your life is mostly spent doing unhealthy things, you should probably restructure the way you spend your days toward more healthy and positively rewarding activities - that is, if you have those kinds of goals. But mostly, if you want results, you need to be able to maintain it as a lifestyle and not just "go on a diet" like most morons like to tell other people to do.

For me, I don't get to work out until later in the afternoon. I work a sedentary job where I don't really require much food intake for energy. And for me, I have specific goals that I'm shooting for - like gaining muscle, losing fat where I've never lost it before, and transforming my body into Superhero status.

The best thing, is that not only have I gotten some phenomenal results so far, but for me, applying Kiefer's principles in real life is very simple so it makes it easy to adopt as a lifestyle. Screw crash diets and periods of "being good," only to totally screw up later when you've felt deprived for long enough. Carb backloading for ME is easy. Hell, even Carb Nite - which, instead of backloading in evenings after a brutal lifting session, is a prolonged ultra-low carb period of about 7-10 days followed by one "Carb Nite," then repeat cycle - is easy too.

And here's why:

-I don't need to prep meals every damn day. That automatically saves me 10 hours each week that I otherwise would have spent cooking, washing, counting, and measuring. I can come home and play Angry Birds with Kaeden, cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend and watch a movie, or maybe even have time to clean the house and do laundry on time. SIGH, THANK THE LORD!

-I don't need to worry about eating first thing in the morning. I never get to do it anyway, I'm so busy getting up and getting ready. Besides, the morning is when the body becomes an infernal fat-burning furnace - to eat some high-carb breakfast would just interrupt that simple process. Skipping breakfast is actually beneficial to me. I can fuel the fat-burning further with coffee and coconut oil.

-I don't need to count calories. For the sake of contest prep, I am calculating my specific macros, and doing a hybrid of CNS & CBL.. which meals less backloads, more ultra low carb days. My goal is currently fat loss, so I need to measure my protein, carb & fat intake by the gram so I can tweak if necessary. Also, as long as I eat enough protein for the day, and enough fat to help properly synthesize that protein, and eat all my nutritious delicious veggies, I'm fine. I don't feel deprived, and my body's now used to not relying on carbohydrates for energy - tada, fat loss.

-It's easy to refrain from carbs for the majority of the day. For me, now, at least. I'm not really complaining about eating Norwegian smoked salmon, or cottage cheese, or nuts, or cheesesteak salads, or fresh Polish sausages or even a wide array of cheeses. Hell, I've even discovered a recipe for almost-no-carb casein BROWNIES (I'll post the recipe soon) that are actually super freaking delicious for a protein brownie. Again, I don't feel deprived.

-To me, it's much more rewarding to eat my dirty, delicious carbs post-workout. I'll never go overboard though.. well, sometimes maybe (damn awesome friends and weekends, LOL). There is never a "cheat meal" as long as you eat your carbs post-workout, since the carbs are being used by your body in a much better way - to gain muscle.

[Side note: I used to eat like this in high school anyway- barely anything at all during the day, snack here and there, run in gym class, go home, work out with my best friend at the community gym, then slam some Burger King or pizza right after the workout. And I always wondered how the HELL I stayed 114 pounds with good muscle definition when I did that. And now I know why.]

-I don't crash in the middle of the day anymore since I've cut carbs out of my first-half-of-the-day intake. I feel more energy, I have more focus, and I am actually hitting some crazy good PR's (personal records) in my lifts and strength gains. I've even been considering taking up powerlifting soon. POWER-FREAKING-LIFTING. Yes.

Lookadat, my baby muscles are growin'!!

-It is giving me exactly what I want: I want muscle but I want fat loss as well. I feared I'd have to bulk & cut like the rest of the fitness world, but now I can maintain my strength while losing fat.

[Another SN: I have never looked or felt so good in my life, and to think, this is only the tip of the iceberg.]

-Carb backloads post-workout give me such a good night's sleep every time I backload. After eating all those carbs, my body literally turns into a brick shortly afterward. More and deeper sleep? I'll take that over burn out ANY DAY.

There are a lot of people - fitness professionals, powerlifters, NPC competitors, even Crossfit folks and strongman trainers, and the regular old people like us who just wanna get in shape - who have adapted this to their own needs and goals and experienced some amazing results following Kiefer's protocols. It's customizable, and it is really good for athletes and athlete-wannabes. Like I've said before, different things work for everyone, and this also applies to CNS and CBL. Yeah, it's kinda new, and a lot of people don't really accept it (they'd either only accept broscience, or they just don't know about it), but it's working for me so far. So, for those of us who have adopted these into our lives, it's definitely working for us.

HELL.. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger here talks about slamming down pies at night - days before stepping on the stage. Arnold carb back-loaded before the term was even coined. And we all know about Arnold:

Arnold: He's THE MAN.

I've become a regular reader of DangerouslyHardcore.com, where Kiefer regularly writes articles. There are also a lot of good post from other very smart people in the industry as well. I find the articles refreshing, knowledgeable, and very informative. I love the brutality and sincerity of their writing, and I love the material. Even the forums are helpful, and lets me know there are others out there who find this stuff legitimate and worth listening to, as I have. Kiefer says Dangerously Hardcore material is for Super Heroes In Training (S.H.I.T.s), and I'd like to think I'm a little S.H.I.T. slowly building her way up to awesomeness. ;-P

It's too bad carb backloading won't get me to develop any cool superpowers though.. but we can't have everything now, can we..

So there ya go.. this is my honest, brutal report on my current experiences with Carb Nite and Carb Backloading. I'd love to post before and after pictures soon - but the transformation is definitely beyond physical. I've been training diligently for 3 months now - 3 months was the longest I ever became diligent with training & nutrition after high school.




Carb Back-Loading won't make you an X-Men, unfortunately.
Or an Avenger. But you can still pretend!

Since I'm 3 months in now, and I don't plan to stop, we're going to see a different Jenina than has ever existed. I'm slowly uncovering the little girl deep down that I knew all along existed beneath the layers of self-loathing and depression. I can honestly say for the first time in my life, that I love being me.

From Clueless Cardio Loser, To Happy & Strong Lifter

Honestly, when I told myself I needed to get in shape, I thought the only way to go about it was cardio. Endless, hamster wheel sessions of boring ass cardio. I thought, "Boy, I wasn't blessed with a naturally killer body like some girls, so I might actually have to work hard if I want to look good." That is one of the sad and unfair facts of life - only a few people are allowed to fall into the Blessed Gene Pool. I kept starting to run, then became diligent about it for a few weeks - but then I'd always stopped, and had to start over again. I bore easily, and if boredom could really kill, I should be turning over in my grave by now. Boring, boring, boring.

That, and I thought I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, so long as I put the time in at the gym (ahem, more like the treadmill). I didn't eat poorly, per se. I made and ate really good, relatively balanced food - but I just couldn't control my portions. I'd eat, eat, eat, because as we all know, food is amazing, and is a sign that God loves us (or is it the existence of bacon that's the sign? I don't know).

All the while, mother kept telling me "You need to lose your gut because you still look pregnant" WHILE I'm working out and SHE'S on the couch, mind you. And I had the echoes of a monster of an ex-boyfriend who used to tell me constantly that I had an "unshapely barrel body" that was not feminine at all. Yay.

Oh, was I miserable! Needless to say, I was unable to keep up this shell of a lifestyle. I also got tired of those people shoving insults down my throat, and I got fed up.

I began lifting and REALLY shaping up my life simply because I got fed up.

There was NO WAY I was just going to let these people tell me I'm ugly and fat and un-feminine and belittle me while I'm making the effort to get in shape! (They didn't it going for them, exactly, if you must know). There was no way I was going to continue letting them erode my self-esteem, and make me cry and get angry every day. They made me feel cursed, like the way I was born, and my very existence, were divine punishments. I never judge or belittle other people, so why was I getting this? I just thought, I shouldn't take it anymore.

A couple of major steps and some kick-your-sorry-ass-to-the-curb decisions later, I am here.
I only started incorporating cardio again into my routine a week ago. I do it in the form of High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT), and execute it in many ways. Plyometrics, Tabata, sprints, bikes, ellipticals. I do it purely for FAT loss (not WEIGHT loss).

I have not only been weight lifting religiously, but have come a long way in doing so. When I started, I could barely squat with an EZ-bar on my back.

I now eat accordingly. I have learned so much about bodily hormonal functions and macronutrient timing. I do not deprive myself, I just eat what's appropriate, when it's appropriate. Finding Keifer's Carb Nite Solution and Carb BackLoading have been such gold treasures. More to come on how these dietary protocols affected my life and training in a separate (next) post - it gets very complex.

One of my most cherished (and amusing) memories is having an old, very LOUD Olympic lifting coach yell at me across the gym and approach me to correct my squat form. The whole gym took notice, and he coached me on doing a few sets. Super gruelling stuff back in the day - I was growling and grunting from the pain, and he was only so happy to encourage more out of me. He wasn't trying to be a dick, he really just wanted me to get my form right so I could harvest the best results. And that's exactly what he did, from that one ten-minute encounter. He also told me some amazing advice - that lower body is one of the most important things to train for strength. Now I'm approaching 70-90 lbs with Olympic bars on the squat rack, and now it's become one of my short-term goals to be able to squat my bodyweight (120). Once I go above that, I will be in an advanced level. You can see it in my quads. They pop out. I bet he'd be proud of me now. I might have to thank him for propelling my weightlifting desires further than I could I could ever take them.

No one is allowed to affect me negatively these days. If someone claims negativity about me, to me, I will challenge it. I am no longer the scared, depressed, underling that people can push around. I really hate dwelling on bad stuff nowadays, compared to the olden days where I lingered on them, hoping that expecting the worst will help me avoid the worst (that does not work, by the way). I embrace each day as a fresh start, and a clean new slate to accomplish great things. I've told myself many times that it's impossible for me to pick only one path in life, and I continue to live true to that theory. I will do everything I can, learn anything I can absorb, before my time on earth expires. I don't have to do anything that anyone else tells me to, just because they say it is the way things should be.

I have a long way to go. But I'm much, much closer than I was yesterday. And now that's it's close to reach, I only get more and more eager by the day.

Eight Months

If I had it my way, and I mean absolutely my way, a typical "on-day" would look something like this: I would be playing and taking with my baby boy, weight training, cooking delicious food and testing new recipes in my kitchen (both low carb and succulent carb-laden foods alike), taking at least ONE NAP (or an equivalent hour of Xena or vegging out on the couch being comfy) a day, repeat. My nutrition would be perfect every day, too. And I'd have some time to spend with loved ones and friends.

Alas, we regular folks don't always get things our way. My unsatisfying, 40-hours-a-week-doing-things-I-don't-really-care-about way of living, the current bad weather, and my little guy having a stomach flu.. these all get in the way. I'm still figuring out how to be an adult in this crazy world, and most of the time I still feel like an adolescent - just with money, my own apartment, and a child. WHAT. To this day, I'm still not accustomed.

Amidst all the craziness, I set out on an 8-month goal this year to get into fitness competition shape. Bold huh, considering I've never been anywhere near decent shape in my life. What I mean by this is, I was not physically fit, I was not active, and I sure as hell did not know how to eat right or even plan accordingly. My mental and spiritual state was also on a major downhill spiral. While I had help and advice along the way, it was ultimately up to me to change the course of things for myself.

8 months seems short and long all at the same time. If you are familiar at all with competition prep, most competitors (male & female alike) set out on 10-12 week prep phases. But that is because most competitors-to-be are already have a sturdy physical foundation - they're at a point where they can only improve their physique further and tweak things a bit in those 10-12 weeks.

As for me, I have 20+ years of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual damage that I've been attempting to reverse for a very long time now. That's why it would seem that 8 months is too short a time for me to make any sort of transformation. However, I'm doing it. It may be slow, but I'm doing it. Things are slowly on the mend. I'm working on me everyday - something I was always afraid to do, lest I be called selfish by others. But one's mental aspect is probably one of the most influential and equally affected things that contribute to any major transformation. To be able to work hard physically, I need to be on a superior level of mentality: the kind that can destroy negative setbacks easier than it can collect and dwell on them. I'm on that path to mending, and I don't intend on ever going back. Every day is a conscious and heavy step forward out of that depressing abyss. Yet with every step, it becomes lighter and lighter.

I give myself 8 months to step on that stage. I NEED that time. There are always setbacks in life that none of us can control. I need to be able to accomplish things at a realistic pace without feeling the rush and fearing the looming deadline. Because honestly, I hate rushing.

Let's say I don't (because of money), I will still train and prepare as if I was going to step on that stage. With that said, I have that registration form ready and signed. I have to formulate a budget plan to see if I can afford all of the following:

- Registration fees
- Photo & video fees for comp day
- Custom comp suit
- 2 pairs of clear 5" heels (one is for practicing in)
- Professional tan
- Wax, mani & pedi (none of which I've ever DONE Before - the tan included)
- Professional hair & makeup on the day of.
- Miscellaneous competition items (like Bikini Bite)

Why would I do this if it's expensive? It's not about attention, or money, really. Especially not for someone like me. I would have never thought to do anything like this many, many years ago. In fact, I'm afraid! I'm such a timid person around strangers. I don't think I've ever felt comfortable in a bathing suit either. You think I'll like it when a hundred or so strangers are all staring at my body - judging symmetry, femininity, tone, muscularity - and covered in only the most necessary areas, when I already have a problem with the local gawkers and geezers eating me up with their eyes? No, this is not for attention. I will inevitably receive it, though, for good or bad. This is probably going to be one of the most terrifying and unlikely things I ever do.

BUT! To step on that stage would mean I made it. It would mean I accomplished something on a level I never thought I could reach before. Not everyone, not even the hottest person in the world, could just simply step on that stage and win. It takes more than good looks and blessed genes to compete. All the hard work, dedication, and personality changes resulting in the journey, would all be displayed there on the stage. All those people who partake in the competition - whether novice or seasoned - have put in hours and hours of hard work and dedication that not all people can possibly WANT to do. None of those people were born that way - what, with perfect muscle tone and strength and poise. No, you need to work to achieve that.

So, whether I can actually afford to compete this year or not, I vow to make every day count, as if I was going to compete. But I have it set in my mind that I'm going to compete anyway.

I'm off to work some more (boo), and formulate today's HIIT & training plan.

I Want To Upgrade!

Hello!

I'm not sure - is anyone out there actually reading this blog? You can comment, you know. I don't bite :-). But you really don't have to.

I'm considering many changes regarding the way I share my fitness goals and knowledge on the Internet. I'm no longer content just "journalling" my days getting fit - I'd like to help others as well. I am deeply pondering getting a national certification for personal training - NASM or CPT, so that I may provide my time to others who would like one-on-one help.

I'm considering moving this blog over to my own hosted domain, with Wordpress.com as my blog engine. It will most likely have a new title and everything, too. I want it to be a legitimate website, with a savvy & eye-catching design, categories, recipes, tips, video shares, etc. And get some traffic coming along! And speaking of videos, I am also considering creating a Youtube Channel to provide fellow newbies and like-minded fitness aspirers free tips on how to get in shape and eat properly. Maybe some tips on how to be a happier camper - because I know too well what it's like to be a self-loathing, depressed goon - and if I can talk myself out of it, anyone can do it too.

If it is beginning to sound like a full-time commitment, it's because I'm hoping it gets to that level. This has become precedent in my heart, and is slowly kicking out & rejecting things that are incompatible with my heart's desires. *cough*deskjobslavery*cough*

I love to write. I love making things from scratch and creating art. I love helping other. And I've discovered recently that not only do I love fitness, but I love to talk about it all day. Training and nutrition. Slow-twitch muscles, sets, reps, drop sets, super sets, carb backloading, Modulated Tissue Response.. I talk as if I'm hoping the nearest stranger to me will soak up all my babbles like a sponge and, upon soaking up the word vomit, will instantly apply those things to his/her life and - *BOOM!* - become a healthy, happy, hot person.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'd like to infect you all.. with all this wholesome, good knowledge I can't possibly keep all locked up inside my head. (That didn't sound creepy at all...)

I think about all this, on top of being a mother, having a soul-sucking full-time job, having laundry & chores & cooking duties looming over my head every day, not being made of money, trying to keep track of my own fitness goals, worrying about the growing decadence of modern society, making sure my car stays in good shape, and constantly telling myself I should make art more often to rocket my on-the-side-in-the-future art career. Yeah, I too am wondering why my head hasn't exploded yet.

So, if you DO read my blog, let me know what you think! Would updating Nerd-Girl-Fitness@blogspot to the next level be a good idea? Would you be interested in watching me talk your head off on Youtube videos? Do my blog wishes even have any merit whatsoever? Please, do tell.