..and I'm back!

I decided since I was out of the gym for all of last week (except Monday) that I would continue on with the LiveFit trainer schedule by simply doing Phase 1 Week 4 this week. This is so that I don't skip any workouts, thus opportunities for muscle growth. I can say happily that the nasty bug that hit me last week is gone now, and it took a much quicker leave than the others. I guess rest really does help.

It was technically not rest though, since I still had a million other things to do, and I still do not get as much sleep as I would really like. But I refrained from further catabolic activities which would have made my body work ten times harder to recover.

I continued with the P90x yoga on Saturday. My 2 friends, who are quickly becoming Saturday fitness buddies, joined me once again. One had to leave early but the other stayed and together we completed the entire DVD. Success! We even got through the gruesome Ab section, which burned our core muscles everywhere, even muscles we didn't know we had. Live for the burn!

And speaking of burn, I resumed my weight training yesterday evening, beginning with lower body. I am not gonna simply call it "legs" anymore.. since I am not working just my legs, and nor was it ever the only focus of my designated leg days. I kept in mind to focus on my form, move slowly and deliberately, and sweat. Yes, sweat. If you aren't breaking a sweat, it isn't challenging you enough. Feel the burn, once again.

Here were last night's lower body exercises:

10 minutes incline warmup on treadmill (w/1 sprint)
Leg extensions 80x10, 80x10, 80x10
Wide stance barbell squat 65x10, 65x10, 65x10
Barbell lunge 50x10, 50x10, 50x10
Single-leg kettlebell deadlift 35x10, 35x10, 35x10
Standard barbell* hip thrust Bar+40x10, Bar+40x10, Bar+40x10
Lying leg curls 40x10, 40x10, 40x10
Hip abductions 120x10, 120x10, 120x10
Standing calf raise 40x10, 40x10, 40x10

I'd like to note a few things:

- I am beginning to warm up/prepare for cardio. It usually makes me nauseous if I just outright jump into it. I'd like to avoid that.

- The weights for my squats increased! I'm very proud. I went deep (bottom almost to floor) without spilling over past my knees. Squat deep and you will definitely feel it working!

- I need to work on balance. My right side is a lot less balanced than my left, is also weaker, and thus has made it difficult (but not impossible) to achieve proper form & balance during my lunges & single-leg deadlifts. (When you're shaking so bad from squats, it doesn't help either.) Also, I tried training my right side first because it needs a lot of work.

- Leg day takes forever, especially during the gym's peak hours. These are days I wish I had a home gym.

I will do 2 more days of exercising this week, compressing into them shoulders, chest, triceps, back, and biceps. My upper body is still the bane of my existence, so it needs major improvement. I will work extra hard and not be afraid of the weights. It will hurt, I will be sore since I have weak areas here, but I must get through the hurdle. The worst will be me saying "ouch" for the next couple of days. But after that, I will heal and be stronger and make progress.

Still eating clean, for the most part. I have discovered a gem, though. During endless searches and reading articles on ketosis and ketogenic diets, I have found John Kiefer's Carb Back Loading and Carb Nite Solution. It promises lean muscle gain, strength gains, as well as rapid fat loss. This is going to be an entirely different post, but I believe with this I will have found a maintainable way of life - not only to fit perfectly with my goals and routines, but also a way to be able to reward myself and reap more benefits. I plan to conduct a month-long experiment to see if it all really works - apparently competitors of all walks of life, even powerlifters, swear by this..

Stay tuned! I'm back!!!!

What happens when I play in the kitchen?

Yummmmmm....

So when I'm forced to stay home, and not train, I play in the kitchen. Don't worry, I'm not contaminating any of my creations with my germs. At least I take major precautions to avoid that happening...

Anyway, last night I made my own homemade almond butter. I got the idea from Detoxinista.com, which is a wonderful blog! I didn't know you could make flour-free pancakes and cookies, and other delectable yummies! Almond butter pancakes, paleo chocolate chip cookies.. I feel like I found a new crevace in food education, it is so amazing! I will definitely learn to make all these things, as well as create my own recipes fit for healthy lifestyles as well as bodybuilders/weight trainers.

Best thing is, I don't have to give up "sweets" after all!! YES!!

That being said, these things are helping me ease my slow transition away from white starches and sugar. The almond butter, by the way, was amazingly delicious, and Kaeden approved! Not to mention it was organic and cheap. I don't even wanna know how much packaged almond butter costs at Whole Foods, but I have a good idea.

All this food research and kitchen testing gets my mental juices flowing.. I am now coming up with my own recipes in my head, and it is frighteningly easy how well I can come up with things and have them work in application [instead of just theory]. My sister insists, since she was 9 years old, that I should just open up my own restaurant already. I'm obsessed with food as it is.

I am planning to share some self-created recipes soon. Stay tuned!! I can't wait - they won't hurt your wallet, or your fitness goals - not to mention they are healthy for you and will make you happy (as delicious things are notorious for doing)! :)

SMALL Hiatus....

I'm so *sick* of getting sick!! This winter has been the worst, what with its unstable, constantly changing severe temperatures. So I'm not going to be training in the gym until I get better. It really sucks.

This is my 4th time getting sick this winter. Last time it was the flu. I don't know what it is this time exactly, but it feels very flu-like. Sneezing, coughing, congestion, body aches, spacey head, lack of appetite, fatigue.. I'm so tired of this crap. But I will listen to my body, I need to have it recover ASAP because this sh*t is really getting in the way of my goals.

I will still maintain clean eating. I will try to get as much sleep as I can possibly get - although, waking up in the middle of the night constantly never helps. And being stationary does not calm my mind very well. I have not completed Phase 1, Week 4 at all except for the leg day. So the next week I can return to the gym, I will complete it. This sets me one week behind. But I am determined to work hard during Phase 2 and 3 and see some discernable results.

When I get my tax return, I will pay off some debts that I have, and I am considering employing a personal trainer in my gym to help me. I know that would defeat the whole purpose of being "self-made," but I am very unguided in all of this. It is not for certain though. I have until August to really get in contest shape, but I am hoping to be in good summer bikini shape by May-June. My nutrition remains a priority for me.

So I'm sorry, I won't be updating much in the way of training. I need this rest. My body and mind are overtaxed. And damn this stupid weather. Damn this stupid "flu season." I will, however, try my best to update on some other fun things besides training, but have to do with overall health, fitness & wellness.

PRAY I recover quickly, I want to hit the weights again soon.

Anyway, here is a current picture of me (progress, but not revealing). Not bad for someone not doing cardio [yet] and for someone that has to sit out of the gym due to a f**king illness:

Sick again, and struggling

The past few days have been extremely difficult.

I am currently sitting in the office with yet another sore throat this season - thanks, you unyielding, flaky, and harsh winter - and an unpleasant scratchy sensation dwelling in my sinuses. I eat healthily every day and have only had the wedding cheat meal (and two small cookies - one of Kaeden's making, and one my sister offered me) throughout the whole year thus far. I have been going to the gym several days a week.

But I suppose stress and lack of sleep drive all those things out of the water. Quelling one and acquiring more of the other have been equally a struggle for me that after all these years I still have not figured out.

Since writing helps me sort my thoughts, I am hoping this will help me get back on the right track...

I went to the gym Monday, but not yesterday, and I don't feel well enough to go in today. Tomorrow is a different story, I will go for sure. I had a personal trainer at my gym give me a "sample" session and frankly, she kicked my ass. Very well, that is her job, and she did it well. What I did not like was the salesmanship that had to occur at the end of it. I didn't like it for two reasons. One, it is always so full of pressure. Two, it reminds me constantly that I am too broke - for yes, had I the sufficient funds, I would have employed one a long, long time ago, and I would not be on this boat.

But the thing that made me rather upset was that I was practically out of shape, in the cardio sense. I know with this LiveFit Trainer I am following, I am not to do any cardio until the 2nd and 3rd phase. Still, the compound movements combining strength and cardio proved that I was not as strong or in shape as I thought I was. It is discouraging to the point that, in a silly way, my pride is hurt, and it hurts to admit. It made me question if I am doing any of my exercises right.

Then it came to my attention. If I am suffering in form in any of my training sessions, I know the very reason why. And that is precisely the reason I stayed out of the gym yesterday and will be staying out today: lack of sleep.

I cannot emphasize how important adequate rest is. It is not only good for your body, it is healing for the mind as well. And the most major problem I'm having right now is that I've been having increasing difficulty getting proper sleep. There is simply too much to do and worry about, with little or no help from anyone, to forget about it. I either end up losing a lot of time to sleep because of all that I have to do after I come home from work/gym.. and when I do go to to bed early, I am unable to drift off. In both instances, I am angrily tossing and turning, desperate for my eyes to fall shut. It doesn't help that my asshole neighbors decide that 11pm is a wonderfully appropriate time to vacuum their carpets and move heavy furniture across the floors.

I have been very angry, and spiteful, and with no one to advise me or help me put anything into a proper perspective. I'm either at work, being a recluse (because forming authentic, spirited friendships at work is highly discouraged.. while typical, middle-age-drama-sprinkled, backstabbing office politics is the unspoken rule) - or going home, having to do chores.

Just last night, when I planned to have a cozy night in resting and relaxing (as my body so desperately needs), the growing pile(s) of laundry scattered throughout my house called to me. They said, if I don't get them done tonight, they will not get done at all until the end of the week. And frankly, everyone is running out of clean things to wear...

So last night, in my already sleep-deprived, already angry state, I did all of the damned laundry by myself. A month's worth (perhaps), belonging to three people, as well as the towels and linens used around the house. That was really the appropriate time to exclaim the phrase F*CK MY LIFE!, but I chose not to for the sake of my son's ears. I worked from the time I got home, to the time I involuntarily passed out on my couch, amidst piles of unfolded laundry. This doesn't even include all the cooking and cleaning I did, on top of trying to keep my son from destroying things around the house.

I barely notice changes in my body these days. Maybe I'm hitting a plateau already? My stomach still looks like I just gave birth last week. I absolutely cannot get used to it.

How am I to complete my journey? How am I to reach the little goals I have set for myself, when I can barely sleep at night? And now, due to exorbitant amounts of stress, I am sick again. Does it even matter? Am I too selfish for wanting to be fit and healthy? As the personal trainer told me, my family has a long and poor health history, and I would be following the same path if I didn't choose the lifestyle I'm trying to adopt right now.
But it's hard. It's hard to feel alone, and have absolutely no time (not even to seek out some companionship or get a catnap in).

It's hard to recall that I had such an upbeat attitude to this. The bitterness, the sickness, the exhaustion, the overwhelming number of responsibilities I have, are beginning to consume me.

It's hard, even though I remind myself not to be too rough or judgmental on myself. I remind myself (even if I fear my past enemies would not have me believe it) that I'm only human and it is normal for me to fall into despair in times like these. I remind myself not to let it consume me, because lately I tinker with the thought of giving up.

But I'm still going to the gym tomorrow. And I'm going to make sure my forms are perfect. Just gotta get through this week, and next week, may the fat-blasting begin. I don't want to give up, not so early into the game especially.

But it's difficult when I feel utterly alone.

At least I have Kaeden to cuddle (even in 30-second increments), talk to, and read to at night. These things have been my only comforts as of late.

Nearing the end of Phase 1..

It is frightening! Today, on Misanthropy Monday (as I like to call Mondays), begins Week 4, and the last week, of Phase 1. I can't believe I have come this far with only 1 cheat meal, and all this training. Somehow I am baffled at how I was able to do everything and still find time to train. I really need to do laundry tonight, even if I'll be doing it all by myself...

I took some progress photos, though I'm still too timid to post them. My upper body still leaves a lot to be desired. My body likes to store fat on the arms, back, and midsection.. it's super unflattering, but I guess I will have do lots of high-intensity cardio to banish those grody areas. So, while the lower body is responding well to the weights, my upper body is going to need a lot of work in the upcoming months. Diet and nutrition will have to be on-point for this to work.

I got an assessment done by a personal trainer on Friday. My body weight went from 123.8 to 121.8. My body fat went from 25% to 23.7%. Considering I haven't even completed a month yet, it is good slow progress. I have yet to see drastic results but again, I must remind myself to be patient and consistent.

I will go now and try to endure the rest of this Misanthropy Monday. The day already started on a bad note. Today after work I will work my Legs to the best of my ability, and try to tackle the horrendous pile growing in my house that is called "laundry."

Week 3: Legs

This is going to be quick, as I have little time today.

I had a cheat meal (the first one of the year) on Saturday. The reason being, I attended a wedding. I still managed to eat plenty of protein and vegetables, but the cheat part was the fettucine alfredo for my starches. Oh dear goodness, was it delicious. I guess since I am 7-8 months away from competition, and seeing as it was a wedding, I could allow myself some indulgence. I did not go over my total caloric intake for the day, though. I did a lot of walking, standing, and ridiculous dancing. And I avoided the cake.

Saturday and Sunday were technically rest days, I did no weight training. Saturday was yoga with the buddies, though. We only have 15 more minutes to complete on the P90X DVD. I have noticed that all of us are getting stronger as the weeks pass, and we delve into the more difficult poses. Sunday, I slept. Boy, did I need the rest. It was hardly rest though because there was so much to do still, like get hair cuts for everyone and drive around doing things. Ugh.

Friday I did my Leg day with Kaeden as a wonderful assistant. The kid's daycare at the gym closes at 2 on Fridays, apparently (?!). Even with his 45-50 pounds of boy, the workouts are beginning to get easy, so Week 4 I will push the numbers up a few notches. I also added a new routine which I love.. Single Leg Deadlifts. I used a weighted tool kit for the resistance, because it's hard to dead-lift a squirmy child. Oh boy, did that kick my ass (in a good way). I can lift heavier weight for it though. And when I was through with all of the sets, I noticed instant results. Much curvier in the back, to put it nicely.

{Note: "Barbell," in this case, was Kaeden instead of an Olympic bar + weights}

Wide stance barbell squats 50x10, 50x10, 50x10
Walking barbell lunge 50x10, 50x10, 50x10
Single-leg deadlift 20x20, 20x20, 20x20
Seated calf raise (w/Kaeden) 50x20, 50x20, 50x20
Standing calf raise 3-20
Lying hip abductions 3-20
Hip thrusts 50x10, 50x10, 50x10
Glute bridges 3-20

Week 3: Back/Biceps, Shoulders/Triceps/Chest/Abs

I apologize for the lack of updating these past few days. I'm not kidding at all when I said my life was hectic - it never ends! As it is, I'm barely able to squeeze time to update this darned thing! I really don't know how I'm doing all this, I feel barely awake [alive]...

I work a full-time job. I am a mother. I have an apartment to maintain upkeep and cleanliness in (my boyfriend has been either working or teaching classes and he's barely ever home anymore). I have to spend quality time with my son. At the same time, I am somehow training an hour or two each day, driving back & forth EVERYWHERE (grr do I hate this!! I wish I could just teleport!!) then getting home and cooking for 2-3 hours, and I have to do all the dishes then, somehow keep my son happy, fed and clean amidst all this..

I only get to relax at the end of the day, once I go to bed - and even lately, I have not been sleeping very well. I am tossing and turning for hours, and only end up getting 4-5 hours a night for 3-4 days now. Last night, as I was about to fall asleep, I got the damn hiccups. I got so bloody frustrated, I stormed out of bed, angry. Tsk, tsk. So today, on this magnigicently cold Thursday, I am going to actually STAY IN and get some MUCH NEEDED REST. My muscles cannot grow without adequate rest or sleep. I am going to enjoy being home a few hours from now. Besides, I really don't wanna burn out.


At least I am developing into a more organized person. Something gets done every day. And now, I have come up with a good system to keep track of my workouts, and prepare the ones I need to do in the weeks ahead.

And Kaeden and I still get to have fun together... just yesterday I stopped to take him to Culver's to get his favorite scoop of vanilla custard and M&M's. It made me very happy just to see him happy, and we talked for about half an hour about god knows what. I taped it, maybe I will post it here someday. :)

Tuesday I completed my BACK & BICEP workouts. They are listed below:

Hammer strength lat pulls 30x10, 30x10, 25x10 (weights on each side)
Wide grip lat pulldowns 60x10, 60x10, 60x10
Seated narrow grip cable rows 40x10, 40x10, 40x10
Bent-over barbell rows 55X10, 55X10, 55X10
Dumbbell curls 15x4, 15x4, 15x4 (weights on each side)

Wednesday I did some SHOULDERS, ABS, CHEST & TRICEPS.
I combined 2 days into 1, see below:

Seated dumbbell press 10x10, 10x10, 10x10
Dumbbell front raise 10x10, 10x10, 10x10
Dumbbell lateral raise 10x10, 10x10, 10x10
Oblique crunches & 10-second plank (supersetted) 3-10
Bench press 45x8, 45x10x 45x10
Chest flyes 15x7, 15x8, 15x8 (weights on each side)
Overhead tricep extensions 15x10, 20x8, 20x8

I am not particularly proud of only using 10-lbs to work my shoulders. I can normally do around 12-15. However, I have been particularly sore and exhausted this week, with little sleep. I also am under the assumption that some of my form is suffering because of this exhaustion. I really need to catch up on rest once again so that I can bounch back full-force next week for Phase 1's final week.

(Wow I've almost completed an entire month of weight training and clean eating!)

I have one more day to do this week, and I'm choosing to do Legs/Glutes/Hips again. That will be tomorrow. A personal trainer in my gym insists on training with me tomorrow, I wonder how she will react when she finds I'm not exactly a newbie at this kind of thing.. especially since Leg day is my heaviest day. Oh well, she better not talk down at me is all :P

My friends want to get together for yoga on Saturday again. I'm excited for that too, because yoga is helping me stretch my torn up muscles, and is helping me regain my old flexibility, and possibly other things that I'm not yet aware of.

By heaven, I'm so ready for bed. x_x

Week 3! Leg Day #1

Me looking like a total mess after a gruesome Leg Day.

I am already on Week 3 of Phase 1. Holy wow, I can't believe I have made it this far! Anyway, last night was my first leg day of the week (I am training legs twice this week). And Week 3 is the first actual muscle-building portion of the whole program. Below are the workouts I completed:

Glute ham raises 3-20
Leg extension 40x10, 50x10, 50x10
Wide stance barbell squat 40x10, 40x10, 40x10
Barbell lunge 50x10, 50x10, 50x10
Barbell deadlift 60x10, 60x10, 60x10
Lying leg curls 30x10, 30x10
Barbell hip thrust 40x10, 40x10, 40x10
Standing calf raise 20x10, 20x10, 20x10
Side lying clam 3-15
Twist crunches 3-20\

As always, I added extra workouts. Thus leg day really becomes Legs, Glutes & Hips day. This is because I would like a more well-rounded lower body workout. Squats, lunges, and deadlifts are great lower body exercises, however they target the legs primary, glutes secondary. I added barbell hip thrusts, glute ham raises, and side lying clams to really activate (isolate) the gluteal muscles. Next leg day, I will add hip abduction & adduction exercises as well as some weighted glute kickbacks.

My legs have definitely gotten stronger. I could have done 50lb. reps with my squats, but I probably would have ended up dead before I could finish the rest of my workout. It's all about pacing yourself, not trying to lift the heaviest thing you can to look like the meanest m*******r in the gym. I execute progression overload with every week, when I can afford to.

What keeps me going and motivated in the gym is that the lighting in the gym makes one's muscles really show through, and I keep looking forward to looking more and more defined as my training continues.

My shoulders look amazing. My biceps and triceps are killer (too bad for all the upper body fat masking them). My midsection will probably not whittle away until I incoporate high-intensity cardio in my routines and begin carb cycling. My lower body is strong, and my pride.

I can't believe I have made it this far! :)

My new food scale, and my endless notes.. not obsessive at all..

Oh, and on a random note, I finally got my food scale in the mail! Now I can truly fine-tune my macros! :)

Staying the Path

It is difficult to keep your head straight when you have a million things you need to do, and life starts to throw all sorts of unfair obstacles your way.

This was me last night. I almost lost it, and started to doubt my ability to do this - go through with pursuing my goals, wondering if it was too selfish to be doing this now, amidst all the financial struggles, lack of time, all the other things to do.. people constantly need me. And being me, I heed them always. Life is just busy, busy, busy, with little gain or progress to show for all the business. I'm not any richer and my house isn't better furnished/organized from all this "work" I have to do.

Should I really be doing this? Should I really be spending hours in the gym, training, driving back and forth? Should I be spending all this time and money perfecting my nutrition daily?

Last week (Phase 1, Week 2) was difficult to complete. I missed leg day. At least I got to do some P90X Yoga with my boyfriend and 2 of my awesome friends. Too much happened last week, and there was little money to justify driving back and forth to the gym when I needed to make it stretch so I could get to work on Monday. And, without any cardio, it is discouraging that I have not yet burned off much body fat (visibly) to see my results (though I can feel them). Besides the training, last week in itself was difficult to get through, with looming deadlines, errands, fear & mental anguish consuming me slowly (no matter how much I tried to deny it).

Let me note that this is a blog tracking my journey to fitness. I never said the path was going to be an easy one, or a breeze. I didn't promise I would never skip a day out of necessity, or miss a meal once, or even stay completely sane through it all. Because frankly, I am human. You are human. We are all fallible. I am trying to portray an accurate picture of the life of one of many aspiring athletes. No one ever goes through a whole year of pursuing a worthy cause without experiencing the pitfalls and uncertainties of life. No one could possibly stay sane 24/7, especially when there is a busy, uncertain life to maintain on top of all the training that must be done. Not to mention, the road is full of tremors, traps, and bad weather.

So I willingly admit that I do lose myself in my own weaknesses from time to time. But I consider myself improved. Last year, and all the other years before that, I quickly succumbed to despair. I was never taught proper coping mechanisms, or how to rise against setbacks - let alone how to even set goals, and become your best self. No one taught me that, not even my family. I had to live life as an unchiseled, inexperienced, unsupported person, and teach myself virtues, life lessons along the way. And anyone who's ever tried to teach anyone anything will never say it is easy to do. Imagine trying to teach yourself what you do not know.

But, despite all my doubts, I wake up each day and go through with my newly developed habits. I cook all my meals, portion them out, eat clean, train hard, rest when my body needs to. I don't let the predatory thoughts stop me anymore. I eat my food at the same time, in the exact same way, no matter where I am. I go to the gym even though my brain is telling me to turn around, go home, and be a bum. I lift and push the steel, even when my heart is heavy and hurting and my eyes want to brim with tears.

I keep pushing on. Pushing forward. Why? Because I owe this to myself.

Of Parallels and Perseverance

Perseverance. This is among one of the many life lessons that bodybuilding is teaching me. I think about the perseverance, the level of persistence one needs to maintain to reach their goals in bodybuilding. And I realize that is it not unlike the grit one must endure to succeed in any area of life. For example, take a person working a retail job. They work long, stubbornly long hours and grin at the insufferable attitude of the customers. They work diligently because they must, if they want the flow of pay to be steady. After all, bare necessities must be seen to. But, is retail their ultimate destiny? Is mediocrity the final marker of the true extent of a person? Of course not. Like bodybuilding, one will remain in the shadow of mediocrity until they strive to bask in the light. The light I speak of is one that bathes the champions - those who have chosen the path no one dared to take; those who, in darkness and doubt, treaded on to meet every landmark towards their goals. There was no certainty save the certainty in their minds that they were going to work hard, move forward, and achieve great things (little by little) even if those paths were seldom traveled and often feared. In regards to the retail worker, he could continue to meet the minimum requirements that make him eligible for that little paycheck month to month. Or, he could pursue a career much more important, and meaningful, but intimidating. One that he may be passionate in, and may even do well it, but the journey undertaken would be difficult to tread. I am learning that many principles of success in bodybuilding are not just that. Parallels are plenty. Medicocrity and complacency may become unsettling to you (either you feel you could improve physically, or you feel that you could be more than your job). Hard work yields considerable results. Patience negates frustration, and eventual quitting. Setting small goals builds a sustainable ladder that lead to the desired 'big picture' - one step at a time - keeping the big picture from looking too daunting or impossible to accomplish. Gains resulted from hard work, patience, and perseverance, are an astronomical boost to one's confidence, and further fuel for one's drive for improvement and success. I have known all along, yet am only beginning to realize the complete gravity of these truths in their entireties. I have a long, rocky road ahead, full of doubt and shadow and peril, but I must keep believing I will reach the end.

Last Night: Chest/Triceps/Shoulders

Another thing to celebrate: I finally did narrow pushups!!

My chest is one of my weaker areas. So trying to do a narrow pushup, after shaky arms and wobbly nerves, was always impossible for me to do without falling on my own hands. Until yesterday! I did it!

Here was last night's workout:

Wide pushups 3-12

Barbell bench press (bar only) 40X8, 40X8, 40X8
Side lateral raise* 15x8, 15x8, 15x8, 15x8
Flat bench cable flyes 15x8, 15x8, 15x8
Narrow pushups 3-8
Standing dumbbell triceps extension 20X10, 20X8, 20X8
Triceps pushdown 20X12, 20X12, 20X12

After all this, I declared that people should be required to employ designated drivers after an upper body day at the gym. It was so hard to lift my arms to drive, or turn the wheel smoothly, or lift any of my bags for that matter.

And I consider this to be the easy day.

11 weeks out

Just look at her, who wouldn't follow her training advice?!

I am currently just counting down to the completion of the LiveFit Trainer by the lovely Jamie Eason I am loosely following. I believe it is a good structure, with a good diet plan and a decent split for training days. The following is a list of my divergences from the plan:

1. I am not always doing 3x12 reps (mostly applies to Phase 1)
2. While I am eating perfectly clean, I am not following the structure of her outlined diet - I am following my own based on my specific macros. It is a great guide though, when I feel too tired to count every little thing. While her diet plan is generalized, I have just tweaked it to cater to my specific numbers.
3. I combine some days - Shoulders & Abs day gets divided among the other days. I am too busy of an individual to do little sessions multiple times a day. Besides, I have little gas to waste. In the future, I will most likely be dividing my split to reflect varying upper/lower body workouts for the day (for example: one day I train chest/triceps/shoulders/legs, and another i do back/biceps/abs/glutes/more legs). Longer training sessions, but fewer days, and I am still working just as hard.

I also have a few things to celebrate:

1. I got offered donuts this morning at work, and both times I declined without so much as a pang of regret or grief. I was also commended by both people for turning them down. Huh, how weird! But good nonetheless.
2. Every time I hit the gym and lift weights, I feel instantly 10x better and sexier. Perhaps my eyes & ego like to play tricks on me when I'm there, or it must be their awesome lighting (which, I'd like to add, does well to show off what muscles I have so far developed), but I really do feel & look good every time I'm there. Maybe people are looking at me too, but it could be because I am a little girl playing in the "lion's den," the "iron sanctuary" as I know some like to call it.
3. My clean diet, despite the caloric intake increase, is helping my midsection avoid bloat. I can feel my abdominal muscles beneath, and it's not sticking out anymore!

I am still anxious to burn off the body fat though. It is on my mind every day. I gain muscle generously, but my fat is still there (for now). So I also look and feel puffed up from the extra room my muscles are taking up in my body. I feel heavy and definitely filling out my pants in a weird, yet welcomed manner. I keep reminding myself to be patient. I will get to the point where I have to incorporate cardio in my routine again, and I know that day I will love yet dread all the time spent doing so. There will be a day when I can work off the fat, and finally see my hard-earned work on the surface, and feel much more sculpted. Patience is a virtue.. that I keep working hard to have every day. Ugh..

"Patience. Patience, my love."

..of Doubts & Determination.

This is not going to be a very long post. I just want to touch base that I am still going through my plans. I have been cooking diligently and reading up on my workouts to be better prepared for gym days. Today after work, I will work on my shoulders, chest and triceps. Tomorrow, abs, biceps, and back. And Saturday, legs & glutes.

I put up an ad on Craigslist offering my services as a workout/training buddy, for those who need or want motivation, or just a fellow mate to work out with. I have had several replies, and there is one male and one female that are rather serious. If this works out, I will have people to work out with. It is always good to work out with someone, since you can help each other reach goals you otherwise would talk yourself out of in loneliness.

As for the plan I'm following.. No cardio and 6 meals a day make Jen feel like a very heavy girl these days. My caloric intake is definitely higher than I've been used to. It's all protein, clean carbs, healthy fats, and veggies though. I know I am in the "bulking" phase of things, I'm supposed to be feeding my muscle growth. I know that I'm not in the fat loss phase yet. I am rather impatient, I know this and I acknowledge it, but I do not let it get to me. I know this is only the muscle adding & endurance phase. Trust the plan, I tell myself. Just trust the plan. (This is another thing I must work on, for I trust very little in life.)

I can already feel certain parts of me getting sturdier, if not bigger - mainly my quads, biceps, and glutes. As if the muscles have instantly built themselves. If I keep going, I will only see more progress. Lucky I'm quick to develop muscle, that's one thing I love about my body.

To be honest, I have had a difficult time during the past week keeping my head on straight. It's not this workout that's bothering me, it's the rest of life. Everything is hectic, bombarding, overwhelming. Not a single break is anywhere in sight for me. And yet the difficulty level just keeps getting harder and harder. My financial situation isn't improving either. Life tries its hardest to get in the way and resist change, and I suppose this is the resistance I am beginning to see.

I am also very lonely these days - isolated, if you will. I don't know what I blame that on more: being poor, being too busy, or competition prep. I am grateful that I am not completely alone, but it sure as hell feels like it 9 times out of 10. I am not able to see my friends or hang out with anyone or make plans. I sure as hell have barely any money just to get around.. it is quite frustrating.

As I have mentioned before, I have many internal and external demons to fight, and they do not merely disappear by ignoring them, or bidding them gone. There are days I feel l like giving up and not trying, but they are weak in comparison to my desire to succeed and see this through. I am tired of doubting, of wallowing in despair, of not seeing the ends, of not realizing who I am really supposed to be. I am brimming with so much potential, and I find that it is ultimately up to me, and nobody else, to see that potential come to fruition. Become reality. Become who I was born to be.

Phase 1's Leg Day

Accurate representation

I apologize for the lack of update yesterday. I have been so busy that there is barely time to actually rest on my "rest days." If you don't know what a rest day is, it is simply a day off from the gym, to give your body time to recuperate and the muscles time to heal and grow. It is not, however, a day off from the lifestyle. I suddenly cannot binge on 6,000 potato chips or whatever my heart (or stomach) desires, just because I'm not in the gym. No, I must still continue on with my frequent and healthy meals.

I wanted to write about my first leg day of the year. I did not go to the gym, and that was fine, since at home I have a nice good weight to work with for my legs.. my 4-year old son. He is about 45 pounds. In my glory days, I could squat 50-60 hoisted atop my shoulderblades. Since I'm picking back up the weightlifting habit after a long hiatus, it is only right to start with less weight. My legs are definitely my strong points.

Like I mentioned before, I am only following Jamie Eason's LiveFit Trainer loosely as a guide, so for leg days I pretty much have a variety of workouts I am seasoned in doing, and like to do. I no longer need a guide on how to train that part of me. Unfortunately, without gym equipment, I was not able to do leg presses, but below is a guide of what I accomplished with my little guy sitting above me as a cute, cooperative weight:

Squats - 3-45X12
Lunges - 45X10, 45X10, 450X8
Hip thrusts - 3-45X10
Standing calf raises 3-45X10

To describe this in a few words, these workouts were gruesome. If you are a man scoffing at me right now that I only squatted 45 pounds, GTFO right now. It may not seem much for legs, but I needed to do a weight that I could repeat in numerous exercises, with multiple sets containing  8-12 repetitions. I am going for hypertrophy, real results, not some show-off game of who can hit the heaviest steel. You try doing it, put a child of considerable weight on your shoulders and do this. I wanted to do more, but my legs grew wobbly and unsteady, and for the sake of everyone's safety, I stopped.

It must have been very hard work anyway, because I have been very sore for 2 days and have been doing the trademark penguin walk that comes when you push extra hard on leg day. Stairs hurt like a B. I am grateful for "rest days." LEG DAY IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, FOLKS. It is not for the faint of heart, or the weak, or for the lazy. I respect all of you out there who train the crap out of your legs.

Boromir is right

As for diet updates, since this day, and since I have started exercising again, my appetite has grown voraciously. I can no longer go by with 5 meals a day, I have to make them 6 now. I really can't wait to get my food scale in the mail so I can start perfecting my nutritional intake.

It has only been a week, and Phase 1's Week 2 is about to start, yet I am irrationally impatient that I am not seeing results. Yes, you guys can call me crazy. You guys can tell me I'm being ridiculous. I know I am. It's only been a week. And not doing any form of cardio is not helping that botched mentality either. I just keep reminding myself that with patience and discipline comes reward. I see girls with perfect bodies without even trying, and I admit it still gives me a pang of envy when I see them, because I have to work so hard just to be in a healthy shape. Thanks to genes, unfortunately, If I were to not work out, weight train, or eat healthy, my body would revert to a state of blob. The women in my family are not shapely at all, they are just shapes. And that is majorly attributed to their poor lifestyle choices.

So, as you can see, I still have days where I nitpick my body, and not like what I see in the mirror. I am working on this every day. This nitpicking usually happens when I see other girls. It is a confession that is slightly difficult to accept about myself, but it is truth, so it must be told. On a positive note, I am becoming stronger inside day by day, even if by just a little sliver. Worthwhile progress never occurs just overnight.

Quick update before tomorrow's post!

hi everyone, i just want to inform you that i do not have computervdesktop access on the weekends, hence the crappy mobile status updates. i am still pursuing my fitness goals and i am still being diligent about eating my meals and completing my workouts. i unfortunately did not get to work my shoulders this week, and my meal timing on the weekends have gotten thrown off. but tomorrow, i will write in detail how i managed to crunch in my workouts while having a hectic life, completing leg day without gym equipment, and other things that came up this week. i will enjoy two days of rest to give my muscles time to grow, then resume with phase two on tuesday.. yaaay. :) stay tuned

Sick. AGAIN.

disclaimer, i am typing from my mobile and its not letting me use symbols, or capitalize my sentences.. or start a n.ew paragraph for that matter. shit... well anyway, i just wanted to update on my progress. i am sick again, this will be the third time this winter. i really need to keep up on my meals and get legs, shoulders, and abs done by sunday. but i guess when youre sick with possibly another flu, youre not supposed to trai n. http://bodybuilding.about.com/od/injurypreventiontreatment/a/trainwhensick.htm im upset about this, because i want nothing more than to move forward. im just very upset in general. hope the next post is much more informative..

Why are you doing this, Jen?

I have yet to take some real "Before" shots, but this is the last of me from 2012. Many will tell me that I am not fat, which is true, I'm not fat at all. And that is definitely not what this is about.

You see, I grew up all my life being force-fed very negative things about myself. I won't mention any names, but those who know me know who I'm talking about. Despite being a nice kid, and being very smart, enthusiastic, and studious in school, there was not one moment of any day where someone wasn't talking smack to or about me. Being made fun of was part of the repertoire, so to say. Jenina is ugly. Jenina is chunky. Jenina is plain-faced and is a dork. Jenina's too smart for her own good. Jenina is a nerd, Jenina is too short. Blah, blah, blah. I was always an outcast - and, while blessed with a few friends here and there, I mostly felt comfortable only in my own company. I was the only one who could live with my strange interests and my quirky tendencies.

But when you're a little child, and you're hearing from everyone around you how horrible you are, you feel bad. You tend to believe them. I cried a lot. I still excelled in school, but I started to see no point in it. Instead of socializing with others, I kept to myself to prevent others from having to deal with the blister of an existence that was me. Needless to say, my childhood sucked.

So let's fast-forward to my teens. I was still getting trampled on by these stupid people. Some family, some I considered my friends, some people who didn't even know who the hell I was. My mom always pointed out every "physical defect" I had - my face, my stomach, my little boobs, etc. It didn't help that I was thrown into a high school in a brand-new neighborhood. And the neighborhood was infested with rich brats and really physically conscious snobs. I was further alienated! At this point, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I got into a bad crowd. I got involved with people that further eroded what little confidence I had. (And it took a long time and a few lessons to get rid of those people, might I add.)

With that said, my life was one big ball of self-hatred, confusion, sadness, and really poisonous people. It was always so hard for me to say anything good about myself, because in the past people would be quick to correct me. But one thing's for certain, I am and always have been a nice, loving person, who definitely did not deserve any of this.

But now, and for a very long time now, I have gotten sick of feeling sorry for myself. I have gotten fed up with letting others trample me. The hell, I have many good qualities! And I shouldn't be afraid to speak up and be proud of them! That warrants an entirely separate post though.. These days, I've developed a "F*CK YOU" attitude and this year I'm really beginning to embrace it. If people want to leave my life, or betray me, or treat me poorly, then they can get out. I will not try to keep you in my life if you do not want to be part of it. I will not fight to keep you if you are sabotaging my life and/or hurting my feelings deliberately, or acting in such a selfish manner as to negatively impact me.

I've been putting it off for the longest time due to fear, anxiety, and worry. But now, I'm ready to be confident, I'm ready to reclaim myself and embrace what makes me, me. I'm ready to push myself to limits I have never before crossed, and just become better at anything and everything. Because that is how I thrive. No longer will I rely on other people or their shallow, petty opinions. No longer will I cry over those who did not deserve my time in the first place. I have spent the 2 decades of my life worrying about others, always shoving myself off to the side. But this time, for my sake and those I love around me, I need to love myself. The real me needs to come out.

And all this, what I am setting out to accomplish and do, this is what empowers me.

Phase 1/Day 1 - Chest/Triceps

So far so good. I am proud to say I did it. I was almost tempted not to go to the gym, but I just told myself to go do it anyway. The only reason for that was, work was so damn long and I am so tired after every boring day, and by the time I get out it looks so gross and dreary outside. But I did it. Go me.

I ate all my meals. I felt like I was going to burst though, with all the water I was drinking. I had to get up to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes. But the benefit of that, I find, is that this morning and the whole day today I have no bloat.

All but one of my meals consisted of turkey meatloaf muffins, broccoli and brown rice. I just eyed the proportions, and I will be eyeing them until I get my food scale in the mail. For dinner, my boyfriend and I had pork tenderloin, which was so rewarding after a long day of eating the same thing 4 times during the day.
I also realized that I'm coming down with yet another cold. My apartment is so damn cold, and I guess we found out that it is only our apartment that is suffering in the heat department, due to faulty radiators or something. Every day I'm freezing, to the point of immobility, then I go jump in a scalding hot shower and go back out into the 60 -degree apartment. F**K THAT, no wonder I'm sick!! I'm stuffy and sneezing.. AGAIN... but it's not bad enough to stop me from going to the gym.

And when I did go to the gym, I saw a woman wearing an INBA tank top. She had what looked like a posing coach AND a personal trainer by her side, guiding her every step of the way. So, I thought, she will be competing too. And guessing from the top, she has probably competed before. I wonder if I'll see her on competition day. But seeing her showed me just one example of the type of competitors out there. This woman was mixed-race, 6 feet tall, obviously augmented in the front, and already in perfect shape. I mean, this lady had the whole T & A thing going. And to think I'm doing this all by myself. No coach, no trainer, no implants.. total newbie. I must have looked like a child compared to her. It was kind of daunting to think about, but surprisingly I wasn't all that bothered by it. We wouldn't be judged in the same class anyway, seeing as I'm a whole foot shorter than her. It kinda makes me a little proud of myself that I am undertaking this process almost entirely by myself, without paid help. That fact alone will just attest to my dedication and hard work on that special day.

As for the workouts, I had a total of 6 exercised to complete. 3X12 of each, but since the gym was busy as hell last night & a lot of weights were being used (and there were assholes hogging certain stations), I had to use heavier weights for some exercises, so their reps were smaller. The following sets are written in this format - [WEIGHT (LBS) X REPETITIONS]:

1. Wide pushup 3-12 (bodyweight only)
2. Dumbbell bench press 15X10, 15X8, 15X12
3. Flat bench cable flyes 15X7, 15X7, 15X7
4. Overhead triceps dumbbell extension 15X10, 15X10, 15X10
5. Triceps pushdowns 20X12, 20X12, 20X12
6. Narrow pushups (did not do, too sore & wobbly at the end of all above heavy reps)

I'm not happy that my body wasn't able to do that final exercise, but I also didn't want to overtrain. Besides, if I tried to do a narrow pushup I think I would have fallen and crushed my hands. It was that bad. It also did not help that a lighter weight was unavailable to me at the time. And the only reason I completed those workouts at higher weight/lower rep format is because I already have previous experience with weight training, so lifting heavy is not unfamiliar terrain for my body. It just got kicked in the ass, reawakened, reminded that it used to lift all these heavy things before.

I went home and I could barely lift my arms up. Driving was very shaky and my muscles twitched every time I used them. On a good note, the gym must have had good lighting because I noticed how nicely my body maintained its muscles during my post-surgery (precancerous cervical cells) 7-month hiatus. Last year I weight trained/did cardio/ate healthy for 3-5 months from March-May, and had to stop for the aforementioned reason, and never quite got back into it until this year. But I was able to maintain a good amount of muscle I had built, for my triceps were visible, my biceps remained sturdy, and I could see hints of my arm muscles moving under my skin as I lifted. It was a good feeling, and I cannot wait until I get deeper into my phases and begin cutting/cardio because that will only uncover all the beautiful muscle I worked hard to build. :-)

I gotta clock back in, but this is the sum of my first day. I'm currently on Day 2 and so far this day has been majorly trying my patience and sanity, not to mention there is so much crap to do today, so I hope (no, i NEED) to fit in my back/bicep workout in sometime today.

Oh, and on another note, my best friend has asked me to help construct a nutritional plan for him. He has good fitness goals for this year as well, and I will help him every step of the way. :-)

Peace out!

I FOUND IT!!

I believe I have found the place to compete:

2013 INBA NATURAL UNIVERSE
Chicago, IL | August 31, 2013

This makes me so freaking scared now!! Truth be told, I am shaking right now. I am going to register as soon as I come up with the money. I will compete in the Bikini division. AAAH!!!! Why am I insane enough to wanna do this again? Gah!! Just finding the competition event just makes it all the more REAL now. So, very, real.

I am panicking, but this just means that I have about 8 months to prep.. which is great! This also means I have to get into overdrive... and every day must count. STARTING TODAY. I've already eating Meal #1, and #2 is going to be consumed at 10:15 AM. Then #3 at 1:15PM, then gym time at 3:45!!!!, then meal #4 at 4:30 or as soon as I get home. Then meal #5 @ 7pm. Tomorrow I will eat as soon as I wake up so I don't end up eating so close to my bedtime.

Guys, this is f**king scary. I am insane, I am insane, I am completely and utterly insane.

..SO IT BEGINS!

I was going to start on JAN 1st, but I should have known better. I went to a small house party with my boyfriend, my best friend & his girlfriend, thinking that I was only going to have a drink or two.. hell, I even mentioned it on here (I think) that I was only going to drink a few. Well, the small house party turned out to be armed with more liquor than I thought. And people who, while very nice, were very competitive and... encouraging... drinkers. Hell, the first 3 drinks alone [on my part at least] consisted of Irish car bombs. And I was already drunk within the first hour of being there, at 9pm. So yeah, one thing led to another, and 4-5 Coronas, some dozen shots of rum and whatever else was given to me, 3 rounds of very aggressive Flippy Cup, and some champagne at the end of the night... I can't remember it in order! It was that kind of night. At least the night ended in tamales...

But the next morning, the first day of the new year, I was still slightly drunk and majorly hungover. All the events of the previous night came flooding in like some bad flash-back-filled teen party movie. And I dry-heaved twice and swallowed some mouthwash by accident (your gag reflex tends to be messed up after all that toilet non-fun). It was NOT good. But it taught me something, and demonstrated well: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT EVER AGAIN. I'm 23, and not getting younger, and will no longer bounce back from a night of heavy drinking as I used to when I was 21 or younger.

Most importantly, I have gotten those days out of my system. It is now time to have my head on straight and focus, focus, focus. Time for new changes. New, GOOD changes.

So far, it's still extremely difficult to get up at 5 in the morning. I have to do it for work every day, but that doesn't help me get used to it. It's cold in my apartment (the bathroom window was covered in ice!! DAFUQ!), I don't wanna leave the warmth, I hit the snooze frequently, and my boyfriend begins to cuddle me in his deep slumber, which makes it almost impossible to leave bed. If it wasn't for my sense of duty and responsibility, I would have been out of a job long time ago due to the sheer fact that I HATE GETTING UP BEFORE 8AM.

I did have enough time this morning to start the car, get my kid ready for school (he's sooooooooo slow to get ready, lol) and prep the majority of my meals for the day. 4 tupperware containers, all containing turkey meatloaf muffins, brown rice, and broccoli. I also packed my gym clothes and shoes. Gotta prepare, it saves so much crisis and time lost in the end!!!

I am loosely following the structure of Jamie Eason's LiveFit Trainer for ease of tracking. I have created my own nutrition guide based specifically on my macros, but I will do the workouts based on the training split she has laid out, and even add some of my own preference. For instance, I will add glute-specific exercises. Because believe it or not, just training with squats and lunges is not really going to activate your glute muscles primarily, but your legs will be ripped as hell. Just ask Bret Contreras if you must doubt.

Today is also my Day 1 of Phase 1. Which means I am going to work my chest and triceps. These will consist of various 3x12 sets using weights. I am to do NO cardio during this phase, which will be weird, because as a woman of today's society, it is drilled in our heads that we somehow have to run (and run only) to get in shape. So hopefully this will change my mindset on that stupid myth. Besides, I hate running like a hamster on the treadmill.

I'm checking out for now, but this is only the beginning! So you will see more of me in the future. Figuratively, and literally. :-)