11 Weeks Out | Being Bad, Freaking Out

Really need to start taking progress pictures in better lighting conditions..

I have 11 weeks left - actually, less now that it's Tuesday - to go from 118 to a lean, cut 108-110.

And after yesterday's Leg Day #1, I'm pretty sure I blew past my caloric allowance for the day with all the sushi I devoured at Sushi Station. To put things in perspective, my pile of plates matched my sister's pile and my boyfriend's pile - put together.

To say that I was crawling on all fours would be no mere figurative statement.


Eating Less

I find that having to eat at a caloric deficit is much more challenging than training 5-6 days a week or daily (and precise) nutrient timing. I'm used to eating at or above maintenance levels. I cannot express enough how much I love food - hell, I am excited for this contest prep to be over for the sole purpose of being able to eat substantially more, and building more muscle in the process.

Therein lies the challenge. Usually women think they need to eat only 1000 calories or less a day to lose weight, but my body hates that. It shuts down all prospects of fat loss and completely stalls. Still, my deficit is still very apparent, despite it being a gradual thing.

To lose a pound a week, I have to intake an average of 1436-1521 calories daily. My maintenance calories (to stay the same weight) would be around 1937-2028 calories. Per week I should be losing about .8-1 lb body fat. Sounds easy and concrete on paper, but real life is a very different story.

I do wanna get it out of people's heads that just because I'm eating at a deficit, does not mean I'm starving myself or that I'm slowly killing myself. In fact, my calorie allowance being less means I have to pick foods that are superior in quality and macronutrients, and are dense for health and fullness. That means significantly more veggies for fullness, fiber, and added benefits without the extra calories. That also means being picky with the carbs I eat.

Lots more meat, high amounts of fat on low-carb days, and low-fat everything pretty much on a day I get to carb back-load. There is a fine balance and trade-off with each day. On ultra-low carb days, I get to enjoy chorizo and sausages and eggs fried in butter with bacon. On back-load days, while I need to watch for the fat content, I get to eat rice or sweet potatoes and raspberry kolackys, and end the night with some cookie dough ice cream (which has become my standard CBL routine these days). Besides, only having all carbs and fat in one meal/sitting - while that sounds really tasty - is just a bad idea.

Believe it or not, I'm still eating this.. for now.

Trying To Get It Right

I might have been bad on Monday, but it was heavy duty leg day. It is so heavy volume and intense that I do not do cardio or train any other body part on those days. And was it really "bad," if I needed to eat high-glycemic carbs post-workout anyway? At least my quads, glutes, hamstrings and calves got some nice juice yesterday.

How am I supposed to behave when this is staring me in the face?!

If I'm remorseful - which I kinda am - I will just make up for it with additional cardio. Today's session will be HIIT and upper body with a focus on back. I'll probably do an extra HIIT session this week, maybe on Thursday and another one Friday and Saturday even. I only planned for 3 sessions, but I did eat all that sushi and my current focus is fat loss and not building. I'm probably gonna hate it, but oh well.

Water-loading is really inconvenient. 2 gallons of water a day is what I'm aiming for. It's great that I'm getting very hydrated and all, but all these trips to the bathroom is getting pretty ridiculous. Maybe I will play with water/carb manipulation this week, to see how it works and looks on my body. I don't really have to do it until Peak Week (which will be the week leading up to the show) but I am planning a beach outing in a few days, so what better reason to practice than for bikini season.

And if I go to the beach this week, it will be the first day I debut on the beach in a real bikini. No big t-shirts, no hideous cover-ups. I will have to fight the urge to cover up. Even though I've worked so hard these past few months and have felt so good about myself, a big part of me is still horrendously worried. It hasn't been turned off yet, and has had no challenge.. until now. I will probably wear something pretty over it while I'm on my way there for modesty's sake, but I really need to step out of my damn comfort zone and get over this whole bikini body issue once and for all. I'm done being an envious, depressed worrywart in the beach. It's time I enjoy the summer and feel comfortable in my own skin.

I'm still shaking at the thought, though.


Still..

To be honest, I am worried. I'm wondering if I can lean down by the show. I've never been stage-ready lean before, and I'm doing this all on my own. I've stated these worries numerous times before, but now I'm 11 weeks out. The gravity of the situation has shifted dramatically. In just a few weeks, I will be in the single-digit week countdown.

I'm also worried about all the things I have to arrange and purchase for this day. The first thing on the list is the tan. I've always hated getting a tan, let alone the process of it - I always get sunburned first - and I used to avoid it at all costs, thanks to the help of SPF100 sunscreen. Now, I HAVE to shift my attitude. I HAVE to get a good base tan in. Luckily for me now, a big part of me has grown really curious regarding how my body & face will look with a real tan, because now I have muscle that just might show well. I just hate lines.

I have been contemplating getting a spray tan - because F**K the bed, I'm not getting cancer - before I actually go out this weekend. I don't wanna be uneven, especially if I have to compete in a bikini smaller than my real one in August. Yet another new experience for me.

Money is always an issue and I just have to start purchasing things slowly and checking off the list to make sure I don't miss a thing. The next on the list would have to be those stripper- I mean, clear heels. Because I need to practice posing 8 weeks out. This is another story, seeing as I'm a nervous wreck and I have to watch countless videos to teach myself how to have good stage presence and nail the posing down for a good Bikini Athlete. BAH!

To be honest, working out and eating is easy, compared to the stress and anxiety all this other prep is giving me.

"Be Patient, Be Consistent, Just Relax" is a mantra I'm gonna have to start taping to my forehead and scribbling all over my arms and legs really soon.