You see, I grew up all my life being force-fed very negative things about myself. I won't mention any names, but those who know me know who I'm talking about. Despite being a nice kid, and being very smart, enthusiastic, and studious in school, there was not one moment of any day where someone wasn't talking smack to or about me. Being made fun of was part of the repertoire, so to say. Jenina is ugly. Jenina is chunky. Jenina is plain-faced and is a dork. Jenina's too smart for her own good. Jenina is a nerd, Jenina is too short. Blah, blah, blah. I was always an outcast - and, while blessed with a few friends here and there, I mostly felt comfortable only in my own company. I was the only one who could live with my strange interests and my quirky tendencies.
But when you're a little child, and you're hearing from everyone around you how horrible you are, you feel bad. You tend to believe them. I cried a lot. I still excelled in school, but I started to see no point in it. Instead of socializing with others, I kept to myself to prevent others from having to deal with the blister of an existence that was me. Needless to say, my childhood sucked.
So let's fast-forward to my teens. I was still getting trampled on by these stupid people. Some family, some I considered my friends, some people who didn't even know who the hell I was. My mom always pointed out every "physical defect" I had - my face, my stomach, my little boobs, etc. It didn't help that I was thrown into a high school in a brand-new neighborhood. And the neighborhood was infested with rich brats and really physically conscious snobs. I was further alienated! At this point, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I got into a bad crowd. I got involved with people that further eroded what little confidence I had. (And it took a long time and a few lessons to get rid of those people, might I add.)
With that said, my life was one big ball of self-hatred, confusion, sadness, and really poisonous people. It was always so hard for me to say anything good about myself, because in the past people would be quick to correct me. But one thing's for certain, I am and always have been a nice, loving person, who definitely did not deserve any of this.
But now, and for a very long time now, I have gotten sick of feeling sorry for myself. I have gotten fed up with letting others trample me. The hell, I have many good qualities! And I shouldn't be afraid to speak up and be proud of them! That warrants an entirely separate post though.. These days, I've developed a "F*CK YOU" attitude and this year I'm really beginning to embrace it. If people want to leave my life, or betray me, or treat me poorly, then they can get out. I will not try to keep you in my life if you do not want to be part of it. I will not fight to keep you if you are sabotaging my life and/or hurting my feelings deliberately, or acting in such a selfish manner as to negatively impact me.
I've been putting it off for the longest time due to fear, anxiety, and worry. But now, I'm ready to be confident, I'm ready to reclaim myself and embrace what makes me, me. I'm ready to push myself to limits I have never before crossed, and just become better at anything and everything. Because that is how I thrive. No longer will I rely on other people or their shallow, petty opinions. No longer will I cry over those who did not deserve my time in the first place. I have spent the 2 decades of my life worrying about others, always shoving myself off to the side. But this time, for my sake and those I love around me, I need to love myself. The real me needs to come out.
And all this, what I am setting out to accomplish and do, this is what empowers me.
No comments:
Post a Comment