It is difficult to keep your head straight when you have a million things you need to do, and life starts to throw all sorts of unfair obstacles your way.
This was me last night. I almost lost it, and started to doubt my ability to do this - go through with pursuing my goals, wondering if it was too selfish to be doing this now, amidst all the financial struggles, lack of time, all the other things to do.. people constantly need me. And being me, I heed them always. Life is just busy, busy, busy, with little gain or progress to show for all the business. I'm not any richer and my house isn't better furnished/organized from all this "work" I have to do.
Should I really be doing this? Should I really be spending hours in the gym, training, driving back and forth? Should I be spending all this time and money perfecting my nutrition daily?
Last week (Phase 1, Week 2) was difficult to complete. I missed leg day. At least I got to do some P90X Yoga with my boyfriend and 2 of my awesome friends. Too much happened last week, and there was little money to justify driving back and forth to the gym when I needed to make it stretch so I could get to work on Monday. And, without any cardio, it is discouraging that I have not yet burned off much body fat (visibly) to see my results (though I can feel them). Besides the training, last week in itself was difficult to get through, with looming deadlines, errands, fear & mental anguish consuming me slowly (no matter how much I tried to deny it).
Let me note that this is a blog tracking my journey to fitness. I never said the path was going to be an easy one, or a breeze. I didn't promise I would never skip a day out of necessity, or miss a meal once, or even stay completely sane through it all. Because frankly, I am human. You are human. We are all fallible. I am trying to portray an accurate picture of the life of one of many aspiring athletes. No one ever goes through a whole year of pursuing a worthy cause without experiencing the pitfalls and uncertainties of life. No one could possibly stay sane 24/7, especially when there is a busy, uncertain life to maintain on top of all the training that must be done. Not to mention, the road is full of tremors, traps, and bad weather.
So I willingly admit that I do lose myself in my own weaknesses from time to time. But I consider myself improved. Last year, and all the other years before that, I quickly succumbed to despair. I was never taught proper coping mechanisms, or how to rise against setbacks - let alone how to even set goals, and become your best self. No one taught me that, not even my family. I had to live life as an unchiseled, inexperienced, unsupported person, and teach myself virtues, life lessons along the way. And anyone who's ever tried to teach anyone anything will never say it is easy to do. Imagine trying to teach yourself what you do not know.
But, despite all my doubts, I wake up each day and go through with my newly developed habits. I cook all my meals, portion them out, eat clean, train hard, rest when my body needs to. I don't let the predatory thoughts stop me anymore. I eat my food at the same time, in the exact same way, no matter where I am. I go to the gym even though my brain is telling me to turn around, go home, and be a bum. I lift and push the steel, even when my heart is heavy and hurting and my eyes want to brim with tears.
I keep pushing on. Pushing forward. Why? Because I owe this to myself.
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