Sick again, and struggling

The past few days have been extremely difficult.

I am currently sitting in the office with yet another sore throat this season - thanks, you unyielding, flaky, and harsh winter - and an unpleasant scratchy sensation dwelling in my sinuses. I eat healthily every day and have only had the wedding cheat meal (and two small cookies - one of Kaeden's making, and one my sister offered me) throughout the whole year thus far. I have been going to the gym several days a week.

But I suppose stress and lack of sleep drive all those things out of the water. Quelling one and acquiring more of the other have been equally a struggle for me that after all these years I still have not figured out.

Since writing helps me sort my thoughts, I am hoping this will help me get back on the right track...

I went to the gym Monday, but not yesterday, and I don't feel well enough to go in today. Tomorrow is a different story, I will go for sure. I had a personal trainer at my gym give me a "sample" session and frankly, she kicked my ass. Very well, that is her job, and she did it well. What I did not like was the salesmanship that had to occur at the end of it. I didn't like it for two reasons. One, it is always so full of pressure. Two, it reminds me constantly that I am too broke - for yes, had I the sufficient funds, I would have employed one a long, long time ago, and I would not be on this boat.

But the thing that made me rather upset was that I was practically out of shape, in the cardio sense. I know with this LiveFit Trainer I am following, I am not to do any cardio until the 2nd and 3rd phase. Still, the compound movements combining strength and cardio proved that I was not as strong or in shape as I thought I was. It is discouraging to the point that, in a silly way, my pride is hurt, and it hurts to admit. It made me question if I am doing any of my exercises right.

Then it came to my attention. If I am suffering in form in any of my training sessions, I know the very reason why. And that is precisely the reason I stayed out of the gym yesterday and will be staying out today: lack of sleep.

I cannot emphasize how important adequate rest is. It is not only good for your body, it is healing for the mind as well. And the most major problem I'm having right now is that I've been having increasing difficulty getting proper sleep. There is simply too much to do and worry about, with little or no help from anyone, to forget about it. I either end up losing a lot of time to sleep because of all that I have to do after I come home from work/gym.. and when I do go to to bed early, I am unable to drift off. In both instances, I am angrily tossing and turning, desperate for my eyes to fall shut. It doesn't help that my asshole neighbors decide that 11pm is a wonderfully appropriate time to vacuum their carpets and move heavy furniture across the floors.

I have been very angry, and spiteful, and with no one to advise me or help me put anything into a proper perspective. I'm either at work, being a recluse (because forming authentic, spirited friendships at work is highly discouraged.. while typical, middle-age-drama-sprinkled, backstabbing office politics is the unspoken rule) - or going home, having to do chores.

Just last night, when I planned to have a cozy night in resting and relaxing (as my body so desperately needs), the growing pile(s) of laundry scattered throughout my house called to me. They said, if I don't get them done tonight, they will not get done at all until the end of the week. And frankly, everyone is running out of clean things to wear...

So last night, in my already sleep-deprived, already angry state, I did all of the damned laundry by myself. A month's worth (perhaps), belonging to three people, as well as the towels and linens used around the house. That was really the appropriate time to exclaim the phrase F*CK MY LIFE!, but I chose not to for the sake of my son's ears. I worked from the time I got home, to the time I involuntarily passed out on my couch, amidst piles of unfolded laundry. This doesn't even include all the cooking and cleaning I did, on top of trying to keep my son from destroying things around the house.

I barely notice changes in my body these days. Maybe I'm hitting a plateau already? My stomach still looks like I just gave birth last week. I absolutely cannot get used to it.

How am I to complete my journey? How am I to reach the little goals I have set for myself, when I can barely sleep at night? And now, due to exorbitant amounts of stress, I am sick again. Does it even matter? Am I too selfish for wanting to be fit and healthy? As the personal trainer told me, my family has a long and poor health history, and I would be following the same path if I didn't choose the lifestyle I'm trying to adopt right now.
But it's hard. It's hard to feel alone, and have absolutely no time (not even to seek out some companionship or get a catnap in).

It's hard to recall that I had such an upbeat attitude to this. The bitterness, the sickness, the exhaustion, the overwhelming number of responsibilities I have, are beginning to consume me.

It's hard, even though I remind myself not to be too rough or judgmental on myself. I remind myself (even if I fear my past enemies would not have me believe it) that I'm only human and it is normal for me to fall into despair in times like these. I remind myself not to let it consume me, because lately I tinker with the thought of giving up.

But I'm still going to the gym tomorrow. And I'm going to make sure my forms are perfect. Just gotta get through this week, and next week, may the fat-blasting begin. I don't want to give up, not so early into the game especially.

But it's difficult when I feel utterly alone.

At least I have Kaeden to cuddle (even in 30-second increments), talk to, and read to at night. These things have been my only comforts as of late.