..of Doubts & Determination.

This is not going to be a very long post. I just want to touch base that I am still going through my plans. I have been cooking diligently and reading up on my workouts to be better prepared for gym days. Today after work, I will work on my shoulders, chest and triceps. Tomorrow, abs, biceps, and back. And Saturday, legs & glutes.

I put up an ad on Craigslist offering my services as a workout/training buddy, for those who need or want motivation, or just a fellow mate to work out with. I have had several replies, and there is one male and one female that are rather serious. If this works out, I will have people to work out with. It is always good to work out with someone, since you can help each other reach goals you otherwise would talk yourself out of in loneliness.

As for the plan I'm following.. No cardio and 6 meals a day make Jen feel like a very heavy girl these days. My caloric intake is definitely higher than I've been used to. It's all protein, clean carbs, healthy fats, and veggies though. I know I am in the "bulking" phase of things, I'm supposed to be feeding my muscle growth. I know that I'm not in the fat loss phase yet. I am rather impatient, I know this and I acknowledge it, but I do not let it get to me. I know this is only the muscle adding & endurance phase. Trust the plan, I tell myself. Just trust the plan. (This is another thing I must work on, for I trust very little in life.)

I can already feel certain parts of me getting sturdier, if not bigger - mainly my quads, biceps, and glutes. As if the muscles have instantly built themselves. If I keep going, I will only see more progress. Lucky I'm quick to develop muscle, that's one thing I love about my body.

To be honest, I have had a difficult time during the past week keeping my head on straight. It's not this workout that's bothering me, it's the rest of life. Everything is hectic, bombarding, overwhelming. Not a single break is anywhere in sight for me. And yet the difficulty level just keeps getting harder and harder. My financial situation isn't improving either. Life tries its hardest to get in the way and resist change, and I suppose this is the resistance I am beginning to see.

I am also very lonely these days - isolated, if you will. I don't know what I blame that on more: being poor, being too busy, or competition prep. I am grateful that I am not completely alone, but it sure as hell feels like it 9 times out of 10. I am not able to see my friends or hang out with anyone or make plans. I sure as hell have barely any money just to get around.. it is quite frustrating.

As I have mentioned before, I have many internal and external demons to fight, and they do not merely disappear by ignoring them, or bidding them gone. There are days I feel l like giving up and not trying, but they are weak in comparison to my desire to succeed and see this through. I am tired of doubting, of wallowing in despair, of not seeing the ends, of not realizing who I am really supposed to be. I am brimming with so much potential, and I find that it is ultimately up to me, and nobody else, to see that potential come to fruition. Become reality. Become who I was born to be.